Idiot

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 We reached my home and we were now in my bedroom sitting on the bed facing each other. She was looking at me intently hoping to get an answer. I sighed,

"I know what's coming?"

"Then, better be quick. I got several things figured out already but I still want to know everything" she demanded in a serious tone. I had no choice but to tell her. So I started,

"Paige, before telling I am asking for 2 things from you. First, you won't judge me and second if you want to judge me then do it after I complete myself" she nodded and I continued,

"Well, I have BPD, borderline personality disorder. Basically, I have a lot of mood swings, in an intense manner which can lead to thoughts of self harm and bad relationships with friends and family. I exactly don't know when it started but the last memory of it is when I lost my grandfather. I was on a trip with my family and half way through it we got a call that he passed away. All the way back, everyone was crying but I didn't cry, not even a single tear escaped my eyes.

But, when his body arrived the next day after the postmortem I could not look at it twice when everyone was crying hugging him. I too cried, a lot after that even after everyone else stopped I was still crying. I lost my breath many times and it got my mom worried as hell. And this was when I suppose I had my first BPD episode. After that, they continued for more than a year without me realizing what it actually was until last year. When my episodes became more frequent, I searched it up and I realized that I had BPD. I decided to hide it from everyone. It was hard to hide my mood swings but somehow I managed to do it and this made me more mad that why my life was going this way.

I wanted to change it, I wanted to have adventurous life. I didn't want a normal and boring life. And guess what, whatever happened I caused it. If I had not wished for this stupid adventure, mom and dad would still be here with me.

Paige, you know how hard it was. They were in front of me and then the next moment it all vanished like dust. That next moment they were lying lifeless in front of me, all I could see was mom's hand covered in blood and dad's broken watch. They are not here because of me. Diego has to do all this because of me.

After that incident, I started to get trouble in breathing more like a panic attack whenever I see something similar or I hear a word which triggers my memories. Today, something same happened. When we were talking, Brian brought the topic of being Different and this time it triggered me along with my BPD episode. Whenever they both trigger at the same time, it is hard. It is really hard.

I wish I could just change what all happened, so that if someone was going to leave then it would be me instead of my parents. It was my fault. It..was...it was..my ..fau..fault". 

I ended up sobbing after finishing. I looked at her with my puffy eyes. She was looking at me expressionless, I could not tell what was she thinking. 

She suddenly wrapped her arms around me and whispered while rubbing my back,

"Idiot".

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