First Panic Attack

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I was worried what exactly happened to my father . He came to my mom with his red and tearful eyes and said something in her ears , I was curious . After he finished my mom also found her eyes to be tearful . I asked what happened . She said , " We have to return home,  now ". I asked her aggressively,  " Mom, what happened I asked , I don't know whether we are returning home or not . Tell me is everything fine . Something has happened . Please tell me what is it " . 
She took a while to make her able to speak and then she said,  " Your grandpa iss ... is no more ". 
I was frozen , neither did I react nor a single tear shed from my eyes because I just could not imagine that my grandpa who loved me more than his life left me just like that . I was still imagining him to be sitting in the verandah reading his book with high concentration.  We were returning home now . On my way I saw outside with my dry eyes and wondered if this was real . I reached home and we got to know that his corpse would arrive the next day after postmortem. The atmosphere at home was not good but still , yes still I could not believe it . I denying all this by muttering to myself that it was a bad dream from which I would wake up soon but this dream was not ending . The night passed just like that . The next morning at nine , grandpa arrived . He was still , silent , expressionless,  lying motionless . The moment I saw him , my mind understood it was not a bad dream but a bad move of life on me . Tears shed from my eyes for the first time after I heard about him . I could not watch him any longer after that short period of glance . I sat in the corner and I cried so hard that it became the first time when I had my BPD Attack . My mom came to me , trying to hide her tears hugged me to comfort . She didn't say anything because she could not . I crying holding her as hard as I ever could . She was worried about me too because while crying I had lost my breath for 5 or 6 times . After that day , those kind of panic attacks followed me .
Today , even when I was just thinking I realized that tears when coming out of my eyes . Suddenly , there was a knock at the door . I came back to reality , got a hold on myself and quickly wiped my tears . Then , I said to come in . It was my mother , on seeing my eyes she asked me if I was crying . I lied to her saying that I had got something in my eyes and it took a long time to come out causing my eyes to be red . The next day , I went to school . It was fine and after school , I was on my way to meet Lucia as I had promised her to do so .

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